4/27/13

Morning after my first college party.

It was only a kick back, no worries. And not the greatest selection of guys. More girls coming through than the male body and it made me sad.

The guy from my last post was there. And I did what I normally do when I see a guy I have a crush on. Completely ignored him. And it’s weird… He completely ignored me back. Hm.

I was not the most talkative last night. And I think it’s because I smoked more than I drank… Which makes me super quiet person. Damnit.

Next time, (if there is a next time), I am definitely just sticking to alcohol. It makes me a people person and extremely talkative.

4/22/13

Met a really amazing guy last night.

Actually, it was the second time I had met him. He seemed interesting to me the first time I did meet him and I’m really happy I got to see him again.

Though I keep forgetting his name… Why am I doing that? I was explaining him to my friend and I kept saying the wrong name.. Weird.

I don’t know his last name. I don’t have his phone number. I can’t look him up anywhere because his first name is so generic. 

I guess I’ll just see him the next time we all hangout.

Oh god I hope it’s soon.

4/17/13

I really want to have a conversation with somebody new.

A guy, in particular. But I don’t want to flirt. I just want to converse.

God today was going ok until I found out the guy I kinda sorta like is offically dating a girl I kinda sorta despise.

That one little negative bit of my day has turned it completely upside down. Thoughts have begun swirling again and ugh I just feel miserable.

Must keep calm and not self harm. Must. Must. Must.

But ugh all I want is this mental pain to go away and the only way to do that is with physical pain.

Fuck.

4/9/13

I found somebody like me today 0.0

I’ve recently been getting really intrigued with astrology and peoples favorite colors and generally who people are and how they’re made.

…It’s complicated to explain. I’m high. Bare with me.

Anyway.

He said some pretty amazing philosophies. He’s so intelligent. He complicated my intelligence on his ideas and how I could actually understand what he’s talking about. 

But he says he knows the path I’m going down. Once you start to analyze people, you become depressed. I tried to explain to him that I was practically already depressed, taking several medications. But he said it was a different depression. A realization. 

But I knew exactly what he was talking about. If you read this blog, and these entries, you’ll see I’ve already hit that kind of depression.

We talked for so fucking long. I could go on and on with story after story about how he views the world is exactly the same as mine. It’s strange.

Long story short, he told me that I was on the pathway to this realization depression. And when I asked if I could change it, become happy and live kinda normally, he said the only way I could do that was if I became a robot. 

So, realization depression or robot?

I’m going to be happy. I don’t care if I’m on a one-way path to this eternal sadness I’m going to look on the fucking bright side. Even if there seems like there’s not..

The only way to be happy about it is to become evil. A manipulator. A liar. A psychopath. Using what you know about the human mind to your own advantages.

And that’s just who I am. Who I am destined to be. Evil.

(10) 4/7/13

ten things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
-I’m sorry I was such a horrible daughter
-Go fuck yourself
-I wish you liked me the way I like you
-I’m sorry I left you alone, and I hope you’re doing okay without me
-What did you get on the math test?
-Hello, what’s your name?
-I smoke weed practically everyday
-I wish you would stop texting me it’s creepy
-I would like you to come over so I can psychoanalyze you
-I want to be skinnier

nine things about yourself:
-I’m a sagittarius
-When I grow up I think I want to be a nutritionist
-Last time I weighed myself I was 112 pounds
-I got my wisdom teeth taken out last week
-Weed is a vital necessity in my life
-Sometimes I love people, I want to know everything about them and they intrigue me so much. Other times I want nothing to do with them and am so disgusted by their existence it makes me want to take my own life.
-I like my hair and freckles
-I am terrified of bees ever since last summer when I got attacked by a swarm
-I am afraid of love
-I like people with mental problems

eight ways to win your heart:
-Do not become clingy
-Being spontaneous and different
-Know that I am not the most important person in the world to you
-Let me chase you a little
-Make me food
-Be intellectually stimulating
-Just kiss me
-Do stupid things with me

seven things that cross your mind a lot:
-Death
-When I’m going to smoke next
-Being alone forever
-Suicide
-Whether or not I will enjoy my life with age
-Food
-Anxiety about grades

six people who mean a lot to you:
-I cannot name names. But there are definitely not six.

five things you do before you fall asleep:
-Brush my teeth
-Binge a little
-Squats, pushups, trunk twists
-Think of scenarios of me and someone I love (whom I have yet to met)
-Check instagram

four things you’re wearing right now:
-Blue sweater
-Cross country sweatpants
-Rasta bracelet
-Floral undies

three songs that you listen to often:
-Keep Your Head Up (Andy Grammar)
-Radioactive (Imagine Dragons)
-Elements (Lindsey Stirling)

two things you want to do before you die:
-Feel love
-Experience an extremely traumatic event

one confession:
-I wish I could skip adulthood and go straight to being an old person

4/6/13

Wow I feel so sad.

I want to be with someone right now. But everyone I want to be with would rather not be with me.

Why do I feel so alone.

I’m at work right now and not a single person is in the store. So empty. So fucking empty.

Empty.
Empty.
Empty.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME UGH

Disappointment.

So much disappointment clouding my mind right now.

I just want to make friends.

I just want to meet somebody new.

I just want somebody to talk to.

God I wish he would stop being so busy all the time. Or at least stop making excuses not to hangout. Does he even want to talk to me? Am I just pestering him? 

What do I know. What do I know. What do I know.

I know nothing.

I am just disappointed.

4/2/13

Lonely.

So, so lonely.

God I haven’t felt this lonely in a long long while. All I want is someone to talk to me or visit me or call me up to say hello.

Lonely and sadness make a great pair. A great, destructive pair.

4/28/12

Why am I so afraid of getting close to people.

Why can’t I have a relationship with someone and not freak out and eventually wish I never met them? Why is it so difficult for me to accept the fact that people like me?

I will be alone forever. And it will be my own fault.

There’s this one guy.. and I really wish I could just tell him everything. I WANT him to know everything. But somewhere deep in my brain my thoughts are telling me to keep to myself. Don’t trust a soul. Remember what happened last time?

Too much damage from my past has ruined my present. I can’t blame others for this, either, because most of the damage was my own creation.

I am the creator of my own destruction.

4/22/12

420 was insane. Completely insane.

I really don’t feel like going on about what happened, but it was quite possibly one of the best days in my life. I love the people I got to hangout with, and when I slept over at my friends house we tripped on acid and it was crazy good.

The only downside was that we had to be really quiet cause her dad was home :/

My outlook on life is extremely positive right now, but I feel really lazy. It might just be because I’m over-tired.. but I don’t feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. Once I’m done with this post I’ll get a good 8 hours and hopefully feel up to do things tomorrow.

I just have absolutely no motivation right now.

Also I’ve been thinking a lot about my friend that moved far away. Hell, the poem I wrote for lit is about him. I miss him so much. I miss talking to him. I just want to see him :(