my name is unimportant. this is a blog to rant about my day-to-day life. i'm trying to forget my past just as much as anyone else. it's full of shit and i'm trying to keep a positive attitude towards the future.
i'm trying as hard as possible not to let people i know get to this blog. and if you think you know who i am because of the things i write, then read with caution. these are my personal thoughts. and it's not my problem if you or others get hurt by them. so grow a pair or fuck off.
I cover my cuts and scars with long sleeves and high-waisted pants and I tell myself they don’t exist.
But sometimes all I really want is for someone to notice them and tell me it’s okay to be afraid of the darkness that consumes me.
Yet I know that will never happen, because I will never let anyone close enough in fear that my darkness will scare them away.
I am a self-inflicted disease.
Wow I feel so sad.
I want to be with someone right now. But everyone I want to be with would rather not be with me.
Why do I feel so alone.
I’m at work right now and not a single person is in the store. So empty. So fucking empty.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME UGH
That date/hangout with that one guy actually went quite well. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating anyone and he completely agreed, wanting the exact same thing.
I was happily surprised.
Anywho, onto more boring news—I feel like I’m falling behind in school. I’m not sure if it’s just this semester that’s tougher or the fact that I have more of a social life now and that means I can’t be smart and get straight A’s anymore.
I’m so fucking tired right now. I wish someone was next to me. Though if someone were next to me I’m sure I’d wish to be alone.
Sigh. Another day of suffering.
I much prefer to be alone than with people.
I have to try so hard to remain in conversations and keep on topic with people. All people ever want to do is talk. Talk about their day, their dreams, their fears, their hopes, their secrets…
Without the voice of another, life seems so peaceful. No one to push you into one decision or another. No pleasing. No teasing. No nothing.
I could be nothing forever.
Well, there goes that distancing again.
Fuck this cycle of loneliness and neediness.
When I’m at the top of my game, (aka friends with all my friends, good grades, good amount of money, busy almost every day.. etc), I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is not how it’s supposed to be. My mind has it set that I’m supposed to be alone, depressed, and suicidal. So when I feel so great and amazing, I always take a step back and let it all fall to pieces.
Which is what I’m doing right now.
I’m not speaking to two of my best friends because I am a fucking bitch to them. I don’t want to study for finals and upcoming tests so my grades are slipping. I spent all my money on drugs and food.I am a fucking fat whale and I can’t lose this weight no matter how hard I try.I never have anything going on anymore, so I usually spend my days alone and coming up with ways to off myself.
I know it will get better soon, it always does. But only for a small amount of time will I be as happy as I was before I get that gut feeling again.
I’m so alone.
But I made it this way.
It’s all my fault.
I am so sorry.
Please, don’t leave me.
I am so alone.
Why am I so afraid of getting close to people.
Why can’t I have a relationship with someone and not freak out and eventually wish I never met them? Why is it so difficult for me to accept the fact that people like me?
I will be alone forever. And it will be my own fault.
There’s this one guy.. and I really wish I could just tell him everything. I WANT him to know everything. But somewhere deep in my brain my thoughts are telling me to keep to myself. Don’t trust a soul. Remember what happened last time?
Too much damage from my past has ruined my present. I can’t blame others for this, either, because most of the damage was my own creation.
I am the creator of my own destruction.
I miss you. I miss you so fucking much.
Your absence is making me grow so sad. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. And the fact that they’re not letting you have communication with us for another 5 weeks makes life that much more dreadful.
I just want to see you. Talk to you. Touch you. Something. Anything.
I miss you.
I am beginning to feel alone again.