a day in the life

5/18/13

Sat, 18 May 2013 09:25:42 -0400

Boy troubles.

Interesting, I haven’t had boy troubles in a long time.

Though, these are different boy troubles…

For starters, I do not want a boyfriend. So all the guys I “like” I don’t want to go any further than a few makeout sessions or at least them giving me a lot of attention and touching.

One candidate is an extremely cute and young guy (my age) who can take my bitchiness and be a bitch himself. Which I love. I love when people can handle my constant swearing and understand that the anger in my words isn’t actually anger. But……. he has a girlfriend.

Another candidate is just as extremely cute as the one above, but he’s quite short. Much shorter than the guys I usually go for. He’s probably only about 1/2 an inch shorter than me, but still. Short. But he’s really sweet, old enough to own his own apartment, and has copious amounts of weed and alcohol he would love to share. But…….. he lives kinda far and I hear he’s a douchebag.

Now the latter guy I could definitely reach my goal with. I hungout with him and his roommate along with his neighbor and ex girlfriend yesterday. And it was awkward, to say the least. We were drinking and smoking but I was so quiet. I think it was because his ex was there.

I can’t flirt with a guy when his goddamn ex is there.

Whatever.

5/11/13

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:50:43 -0400

I feel like I’m on top of the world.

My confidence is the highest it’s ever been. I feel beautiful. I talk naturally. People like me. I like people.

I feel so loved, so cared for.

I feel goddamn popular.

People have been texted me everyday wanting to hangout. My small group of two friends has grown into multiple friend circles.

I can text anyone and they will instantly be free and want to hangout with me.

It’s a weird feeling, this popularity. But I like it. I like being liked.

5/5/13

Mon, 06 May 2013 00:31:51 -0400

I feel weird.

Off, in some way. I don’t know. I can’t really sleep and I can’t tell if it’s from excitement or anxiety.

If it’s excitement, it’s due to my crush. Honestly, he’s not the most attractive looking guy in the world but he smokes hella weed and smokes me out everytime I’m with him. We also kinda snuggled this one time and other stttuuuuffff which made me extremely physically attracted to him. My heart races when I think of seeing him next. But, that might just be the lust.

If it’s anxiety it’s school. And college. My future, in general. I cheat on fucking everything. I’m not really learning. It may just be because it’s the end of the year and my shit-o-meter is non-existant but still. I don’t know what I’ll do when I get to college.

Anyway, this weekend went quite well. I drank with some friends on Thursday night (with my crush there, but he passed out early so I didn’t see him much) and it was extremely fun. I love this group of people so much. They make me feel wanted.

It’s weird, feeling wanted.

All my life I wished I could move some place else. I could drop everything and everyone and just start new with no regrets. But now I feel like if I was to move I would undergo an intense feeling of sadness.

I love these people so much.

I can’t believe I just said (typed) that.

I love these people.

5/3/13

Fri, 03 May 2013 22:17:18 -0400

Drunk right now. A good drunk.

The guy that I kind of have a crush on at the moment asked for my number tonight (finally), so we’ll see how that goes.

The only time I’m super into him though is when I’m drunk (like right now!!) so I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret when I’m sober yet I want to tell him how fucking attracted I am to him.

I really should just go to sleep. But I want to talk to this kid.

But I shouldn’t.

Because I know I’ll say something stupid cute and make him think I like him.

But don’t I like him?

Do I like him……..

God I’m so fucking confused. He’s a leo. I like leo’s. They’re very independent and confident which I admire a shit ton. Hm.

WE’LL SEE

4/27/13

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 09:39:10 -0400

Morning after my first college party.

It was only a kick back, no worries. And not the greatest selection of guys. More girls coming through than the male body and it made me sad.

The guy from my last post was there. And I did what I normally do when I see a guy I have a crush on. Completely ignored him. And it’s weird… He completely ignored me back. Hm.

I was not the most talkative last night. And I think it’s because I smoked more than I drank… Which makes me super quiet person. Damnit.

Next time, (if there is a next time), I am definitely just sticking to alcohol. It makes me a people person and extremely talkative.

4/22/13

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 22:24:57 -0400

Met a really amazing guy last night.

Actually, it was the second time I had met him. He seemed interesting to me the first time I did meet him and I’m really happy I got to see him again.

Though I keep forgetting his name… Why am I doing that? I was explaining him to my friend and I kept saying the wrong name.. Weird.

I don’t know his last name. I don’t have his phone number. I can’t look him up anywhere because his first name is so generic.

I guess I’ll just see him the next time we all hangout.

Oh god I hope it’s soon.

4/17/13

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 14:47:18 -0400

I really want to have a conversation with somebody new.

A guy, in particular. But I don’t want to flirt. I just want to converse.

God today was going ok until I found out the guy I kinda sorta like is offically dating a girl I kinda sorta despise.

That one little negative bit of my day has turned it completely upside down. Thoughts have begun swirling again and ugh I just feel miserable.

Must keep calm and not self harm. Must. Must. Must.

But ugh all I want is this mental pain to go away and the only way to do that is with physical pain.

Fuck.

4/9/13

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 21:02:06 -0400

I found somebody like me today 0.0

I’ve recently been getting really intrigued with astrology and peoples favorite colors and generally who people are and how they’re made.

…It’s complicated to explain. I’m high. Bare with me.

Anyway.

He said some pretty amazing philosophies. He’s so intelligent. He complicated my intelligence on his ideas and how I could actually understand what he’s talking about.

But he says he knows the path I’m going down. Once you start to analyze people, you become depressed. I tried to explain to him that I was practically already depressed, taking several medications. But he said it was a different depression. A realization.

But I knew exactly what he was talking about. If you read this blog, and these entries, you’ll see I’ve already hit that kind of depression.

We talked for so fucking long. I could go on and on with story after story about how he views the world is exactly the same as mine. It’s strange.

Long story short, he told me that I was on the pathway to this realization depression. And when I asked if I could change it, become happy and live kinda normally, he said the only way I could do that was if I became a robot.

So, realization depression or robot?

I’m going to be happy. I don’t care if I’m on a one-way path to this eternal sadness I’m going to look on the fucking bright side. Even if there seems like there’s not..

The only way to be happy about it is to become evil. A manipulator. A liar. A psychopath. Using what you know about the human mind to your own advantages.

And that’s just who I am. Who I am destined to be. Evil.

(10) 4/7/13

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 23:49:57 -0400

ten things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
-I’m sorry I was such a horrible daughter
-Go fuck yourself
-I wish you liked me the way I like you
-I’m sorry I left you alone, and I hope you’re doing okay without me
-What did you get on the math test?
-Hello, what’s your name?
-I smoke weed practically everyday
-I wish you would stop texting me it’s creepy
-I would like you to come over so I can psychoanalyze you
-I want to be skinnier

nine things about yourself:
-I’m a sagittarius
-When I grow up I think I want to be a nutritionist
-Last time I weighed myself I was 112 pounds
-I got my wisdom teeth taken out last week
-Weed is a vital necessity in my life
-Sometimes I love people, I want to know everything about them and they intrigue me so much. Other times I want nothing to do with them and am so disgusted by their existence it makes me want to take my own life.
-I like my hair and freckles
-I am terrified of bees ever since last summer when I got attacked by a swarm
-I am afraid of love
-I like people with mental problems

eight ways to win your heart:
-Do not become clingy
-Being spontaneous and different
-Know that I am not the most important person in the world to you
-Let me chase you a little
-Make me food
-Be intellectually stimulating
-Just kiss me
-Do stupid things with me

seven things that cross your mind a lot:
-Death
-When I’m going to smoke next
-Being alone forever
-Suicide
-Whether or not I will enjoy my life with age
-Food
-Anxiety about grades

six people who mean a lot to you:
-I cannot name names. But there are definitely not six.

five things you do before you fall asleep:
-Brush my teeth
-Binge a little
-Squats, pushups, trunk twists
-Think of scenarios of me and someone I love (whom I have yet to met)
-Check instagram

four things you’re wearing right now:
-Blue sweater
-Cross country sweatpants
-Rasta bracelet
-Floral undies

three songs that you listen to often:
-Keep Your Head Up (Andy Grammar)
-Radioactive (Imagine Dragons)
-Elements (Lindsey Stirling)

two things you want to do before you die:
-Feel love
-Experience an extremely traumatic event

one confession:
-I wish I could skip adulthood and go straight to being an old person

Watch out I'm contagious

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 21:51:00 -0400

I cover my cuts and scars with long sleeves and high-waisted pants and I tell myself they don’t exist.
But sometimes all I really want is for someone to notice them and tell me it’s okay to be afraid of the darkness that consumes me.
Yet I know that will never happen, because I will never let anyone close enough in fear that my darkness will scare them away.
I am a self-inflicted disease.

4/6/13

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 18:19:26 -0400

Wow I feel so sad.

I want to be with someone right now. But everyone I want to be with would rather not be with me.

Why do I feel so alone.

I’m at work right now and not a single person is in the store. So empty. So fucking empty.

Empty.
Empty.
Empty.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME UGH

Disappointment.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 20:07:04 -0400

So much disappointment clouding my mind right now.

I just want to make friends.

I just want to meet somebody new.

I just want somebody to talk to.

God I wish he would stop being so busy all the time. Or at least stop making excuses not to hangout. Does he even want to talk to me? Am I just pestering him?

What do I know. What do I know. What do I know.

I know nothing.

I am just disappointed.

4/2/13

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 18:43:56 -0400

Lonely.

So, so lonely.

God I haven’t felt this lonely in a long long while. All I want is someone to talk to me or visit me or call me up to say hello.

Lonely and sadness make a great pair. A great, destructive pair.

3/28/13

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:01:01 -0400

Oh dear.

Oh dear oh dear oh me oh my.

I think I like this guy… More than a friend… This is an issue. This was not my initial feelings about him. In fact, I was going to do the exact opposite of like him like him and have him there more as a friend.

But we have plans for tomorrow and I’ve honestly been thinking about them ever since we made them. And he just called me to tell me he may or may not be able to come because of work…

I’m really upset about the fact that these plans may not happen. Does that mean I like like him? Sigh… Teenage girl problems…

Well I’m stoned and tired so off to bed I go. We’ll see in the morning whether or not our plans are still on… I’m quite nervous to wake up tomorrow and find out.

3/22/13

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 23:55:40 -0400

Hungout with a guy from my school that used to have a bit of a crush on me last year.

He was actually so much more fun and easy to talk to than I thought… Whenever he tells a story he also uses a lot of hand gestures and different voices and wow when he talks like that it’s just so nice. I love it when people tell stories like that.

But he acts like such a douche around everyone at school…

Hm. I told him it wasn’t a date and I didn’t want a relationship I really just want (and need) a friendship and he was totally game for it.

Let’s see how this goes.

In other news I’m stoned as fuck. And ate a lot of junk food at my friends house. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I need to workout more. Or just eat less shit….

3/10/13

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 21:51:36 -0400

Today I hung out with an old friend.

Not any old friend, one of my old friends from freshman year that was a factor in my depression and suicidal thoughts.

I told her everything.

Why I wanted to kill myself, what lead to it, what she did to impact my thought processes that lead me to believe suicide was the only option (she asked, and I didn’t mean it to be cruel).

She apologized. Several times.

She really is a nice person, and I’m glad I got the balls to ask her to hangout. Guess the meds are working.

I had a nice time :)

3/6/13

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 22:04:13 -0500

That date/hangout with that one guy actually went quite well. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating anyone and he completely agreed, wanting the exact same thing.

I was happily surprised.

Anywho, onto more boring news—I feel like I’m falling behind in school. I’m not sure if it’s just this semester that’s tougher or the fact that I have more of a social life now and that means I can’t be smart and get straight A’s anymore.

I’m so fucking tired right now. I wish someone was next to me. Though if someone were next to me I’m sure I’d wish to be alone.

Sigh. Another day of suffering.

How unfair.

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 19:44:28 -0500

How unfair it is to you. How unfair it is to me.

I am sincerely sorry that my mind is incapable of love.

But is this really true? Do I not feel love? I love where I volunteer. I love my cat. I love drugs. But I can’t love people…

Whenever a relationship starts to form I get this ache in my stomach. Not butterflies. It feels like a swirling mass of contempt and disgust. But I don’t hate this person, I’m supposed to be falling in love (or at least like) with them. Why doesn’t that happen? Why do I run from every opportunity at a relationship?

Am I afraid? I don’t feel afraid. Just… I don’t know.

It’s just unfair.

3/2/13

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 13:16:22 -0500

Woooooow I fucked things up for myself once again.

I madeout with the guy I kinda liked at the movies and he kissed me goodbye.

I hope he doesn’t expect anything else.

I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Good god I’m hanging out with him tonight and I’m going to have to tell me or else he’ll think I’m like every other fucking teenage girl who would kill to be in a meaningful relationship.

I hate relationships.

2/27/13 Part Two

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 22:22:36 -0500

Extremely fucking wasted right now. Super drunk and moderately to super high. I don’t know how I am typing properly right now. Must be the enthusiastic personality in me to type shit out right now.

How today went:
Normal. Like any other day. Nothing special. Just school and work. I didn’t meet anybody new nor did anything exciting happen. Which makes me sad. I wish I could communicate more with people. I like people. I like their stories. I like their opinions and views on different topics. Everybody is different. It’s weird how true that is. Literally, every single living being on this earth is different. How is that even possible?
Wow, I got off topic. After work I went to my friends house and got a definite drunk and definite high.

Looking at myself in the mirror:
Weird. I don’t like how it’s possible to see what you look like but in opposite to how people actually see you. My hair is rather greasy because I haven’t showered in a while. I like my freckles. Though if I didn’t have them maybe I’d look less young. My right eye is squinting more than the left. I’ve always been able to notice this but this time it’s even more obvious because I’m wasted. When I smile my face gets small. That’s why I don’t like to smile sometimes, especially when I become too paranoid about how others are perceiving me (when I look at myself in the mirror too long and memorize every detail).

All I wish for is to be happy with what I’ve been given. My parents are probably letting me visit Australia this summer, I’ve got a really good guy that like me quite a good bit (and vice versa), I understand the work we are given in school, I’m at a good height and weight, I’ve got at least one friend I can kind of talk too (the one I got drunk with tonight), I’ve got a good fucking house with good fucking food and good fucking air conditioning and heating.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SO DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS
WHY THE FUCK AM I SO DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS

This is stupid. My brain is stupid. Too much exposure. Too much media. Too many told stories.

But…….. If I wasn’t aware of any of that, who would I be?

Who the fuck would I be without exposure to others?

The population and mass media control everything. I declare myself officially brainwashed. I can be nobody to the world and be everything to myself, or nobody to me and everything to the world.

Fuck this paradox bullshit.

And fuck my world literature class for teaching me about paradoxes.