Boy troubles. Interesting, I haven’t had boy troubles in a long time. Though, these are different boy troubles… For starters, I do not want a boyfriend. So all the guys I “like” I don’t want to go any further than a few makeout sessions or at least them giving me a lot of attention and touching. One candidate is an extremely cute and young guy (my age) who can...
I feel like I’m on top of the world. My confidence is the highest it’s ever been. I feel beautiful. I talk naturally. People like me. I like people. I feel so loved, so cared for. I feel goddamn popular. People have been texted me everyday wanting to hangout. My small group of two friends has grown into multiple friend circles. I can text anyone and they will instantly be...
I feel weird. Off, in some way. I don’t know. I can’t really sleep and I can’t tell if it’s from excitement or anxiety. If it’s excitement, it’s due to my crush. Honestly, he’s not the most attractive looking guy in the world but he smokes hella weed and smokes me out everytime I’m with him. We also kinda snuggled this one time and other...
Drunk right now. A good drunk. The guy that I kind of have a crush on at the moment asked for my number tonight (finally), so we’ll see how that goes. The only time I’m super into him though is when I’m drunk (like right now!!) so I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret when I’m sober yet I want to tell him how fucking attracted I am to him. I really should...
Morning after my first college party. It was only a kick back, no worries. And not the greatest selection of guys. More girls coming through than the male body and it made me sad. The guy from my last post was there. And I did what I normally do when I see a guy I have a crush on. Completely ignored him. And it’s weird… He completely ignored me back. Hm. I was not the most...
Met a really amazing guy last night. Actually, it was the second time I had met him. He seemed interesting to me the first time I did meet him and I’m really happy I got to see him again. Though I keep forgetting his name… Why am I doing that? I was explaining him to my friend and I kept saying the wrong name.. Weird. I don’t know his last name. I don’t have his phone...
I really want to have a conversation with somebody new. A guy, in particular. But I don’t want to flirt. I just want to converse. God today was going ok until I found out the guy I kinda sorta like is offically dating a girl I kinda sorta despise. That one little negative bit of my day has turned it completely upside down. Thoughts have begun swirling again and ugh I just feel...
I found somebody like me today 0.0 I’ve recently been getting really intrigued with astrology and peoples favorite colors and generally who people are and how they’re made. …It’s complicated to explain. I’m high. Bare with me. Anyway. He said some pretty amazing philosophies. He’s so intelligent. He complicated my intelligence on his ideas and how I could...
ten things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now: -I’m sorry I was such a horrible daughter -Go fuck yourself -I wish you liked me the way I like you -I’m sorry I left you alone, and I hope you’re doing okay without me -What did you get on the math test? -Hello, what’s your name? -I smoke weed practically everyday -I wish you would stop texting me...
Watch out I'm contagious
I cover my cuts and scars with long sleeves and high-waisted pants and I tell myself they don’t exist. But sometimes all I really want is for someone to notice them and tell me it’s okay to be afraid of the darkness that consumes me. Yet I know that will never happen, because I will never let anyone close enough in fear that my darkness will scare them away. I am a self-inflicted...
Wow I feel so sad. I want to be with someone right now. But everyone I want to be with would rather not be with me. Why do I feel so alone. I’m at work right now and not a single person is in the store. So empty. So fucking empty. Empty. Empty. Empty. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME UGH
So much disappointment clouding my mind right now. I just want to make friends. I just want to meet somebody new. I just want somebody to talk to. God I wish he would stop being so busy all the time. Or at least stop making excuses not to hangout. Does he even want to talk to me? Am I just pestering him? What do I know. What do I know. What do I know. I know nothing. I am just...
Lonely. So, so lonely. God I haven’t felt this lonely in a long long while. All I want is someone to talk to me or visit me or call me up to say hello. Lonely and sadness make a great pair. A great, destructive pair.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh me oh my. I think I like this guy… More than a friend… This is an issue. This was not my initial feelings about him. In fact, I was going to do the exact opposite of like him like him and have him there more as a friend. But we have plans for tomorrow and I’ve honestly been thinking about them ever since we made them. And he just called me to tell me he may or...
Hungout with a guy from my school that used to have a bit of a crush on me last year. He was actually so much more fun and easy to talk to than I thought… Whenever he tells a story he also uses a lot of hand gestures and different voices and wow when he talks like that it’s just so nice. I love it when people tell stories like that. But he acts like such a douche around everyone at...
Today I hung out with an old friend. Not any old friend, one of my old friends from freshman year that was a factor in my depression and suicidal thoughts. I told her everything. Why I wanted to kill myself, what lead to it, what she did to impact my thought processes that lead me to believe suicide was the only option (she asked, and I didn’t mean it to be cruel). She apologized....
That date/hangout with that one guy actually went quite well. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating anyone and he completely agreed, wanting the exact same thing. I was happily surprised. Anywho, onto more boring news—I feel like I’m falling behind in school. I’m not sure if it’s just this semester that’s tougher or the fact that I have more of a social...
How unfair it is to you. How unfair it is to me. I am sincerely sorry that my mind is incapable of love. But is this really true? Do I not feel love? I love where I volunteer. I love my cat. I love drugs. But I can’t love people… Whenever a relationship starts to form I get this ache in my stomach. Not butterflies. It feels like a swirling mass of contempt and disgust. But I...
Woooooow I fucked things up for myself once again. I madeout with the guy I kinda liked at the movies and he kissed me goodbye. I hope he doesn’t expect anything else. I don’t want to be in a relationship. Good god I’m hanging out with him tonight and I’m going to have to tell me or else he’ll think I’m like every other fucking teenage girl who would...
2/27/13 Part Two
Extremely fucking wasted right now. Super drunk and moderately to super high. I don’t know how I am typing properly right now. Must be the enthusiastic personality in me to type shit out right now. How today went: Normal. Like any other day. Nothing special. Just school and work. I didn’t meet anybody new nor did anything exciting happen. Which makes me sad. I wish I could communicate...
Today two years ago was the day I planned to kill myself. I made a similar post to this one last year congratulating myself and making a list of achievements I wouldn’t have otherwise achieved if I did kill myself on February 27th, 2011. I’m not going to do that on this post because, well, it’s too fucking early in the day to be thinking about what I did all year. But...
Going on a kinda date with a guy a kinda like tomorrow. Kinda kinda. I don’t want to think too much into it because then I’ll expect too much and destroy any chance of a relationship. (Friendship or… More). Took Molly last night with a close friend and it was really fucking great. Not my favorite drug, but we’ve been planning to do it for a while so I’m glad we finally got to it! I’m slowly...
I’m sitting in Kroger watching everyone do their shopping and I’m having an extreme sober moment. I don’t know if anyone of you have ever experienced this, but I just feel super self-aware and life does not seem real to me at the moment. It’s a weird feeling. I can still do normal things. I’m just…. Aware. Too aware. It scares me.
So I’ve been prescribed pills for anxiety and depression. And they’re working wonders. I’ve been way more talkative to people and I’m actually interested in what they have to say. But there’s one down side. For the past two days, about in the middle of the day I get these…. Weird feelings. I get really, really angry. And sad. Extremely sad. In these...
I know it’s early to be posting this as the date, but it’s whatever. I just binged the biggest binge I have ever binged. It was so nice at first, I was eating everything I banned myself from eating. It was delicious. Then it got to a point where my stomach felt like it was going to explode from the inside out. <i>I kept eating.</i> I told myself to stop. After...
Went to a psych yesterday to get the anxiety thing worked out. He prescribed me klonopin and citalopram. Let’s see how this goes.
I thought about what I want to be when I grow up all night last night. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be a nutritionist. Or someone that deals with food and exercise and health and well-being. I think I want to work with teenagers. Though I’m sure as I grow older I’ll want to be as distant as possible from them and work with adults instead… Hm. Also...
Wow. It’s been a full year since I decided to start this daily diary thing. I spent most of yesterday as I would spend most post-drinking nights—sleeping. It was actually quite nice, New Years Eve. In my last post I talked about wanting to go back to my party friends and leave these people behind. I really don’t know why I said that. These people are amazing. They’re...
I want to go to a fucking party. I want to get wasted. And meet new people. And have a fucking fantastic time. I’m sick of doing the same shit every day and every night. I want to go back to my old party friends and expose myself to potentially harmful situations. I just don’t fucking care anymore. Take my safe friends. Take my sobriety. Take my virginity. Take my life. I...
I had the weirdest set of thoughts yesterday night. I thought of relationships. And being in one. The cuteness and closeness and inside jokes and the sharing of every little detail. I wanted a relationship. I still want one. Weird. I haven’t wanted to be close to anyone in a very very long time. I don’t remember the last time I actually wanted to go out and meet somebody that I...
Finally drunk :) I love this feeling. I love my family. I love Christmas. I love vodka. My cousin is really hot. God that’s disgusting to say but dear jesus it ain’t no lie. If he wasn’t my cousin and didn’t have a girlfriend I’d be flirting with him nonstop… And by flirting I mean probably doing nothing cause that’s the shit I do normally. I...
First day I’ve been completely sober in a while. Feels weird. Incomplete in a way. I wish my parents and family would go out to a bar or something because then at least I could go upstairs and steal some vodka. It’s so fucking hard to go to sleep sober. I don’t know how people do it. And it’s not like I need a lot to get me sleepy… Just a nicely packed bowl or a...
I spent my day getting barely high off my cousins weed and one hitter. I should have been out skiing with my dad and brother, but I really did not feel like going out today. So I’m here. Still in bed. Watching Freaks and Geeks and now writing about it on a blog that nobody reads. My ex boyfriend wants to follow me on instagram. I hate to say it, but I miss him. This time last year I was...
I haven’t posted in a long time. I apologize. 2012 is almost over and I gotta say it’s been one of the fastest years I’ve ever lived through. I think it’s cause of all the drugs. I feel like the year was split into three parts: pre-summer, summer, and post-summer. Summer was definitely the fucking best. I was introduced to so many new things. Or maybe pre-summer was...
My anxiety is getting worse. It’s my birthday today and all I want to do is disappear. I hate people so much. Yet they scare the living shit out of me. I don’t remember how to properly engage in a conversation. Group settings make my fingers cringe and face flush bright red. When a teacher calls on me for an answer I sit there in silence for several moments, absorbing the...
In this constant swirl of mass self destruction. I created my own problems. Yet I cannot seem to solve them. I’m going to buy water paint and brushes today so I can maybe get all this shit that’s burning holes in my brain onto paper and make art out of it. I crave loneliness.
I am so sorry. So, so sorry. I don’t know why I acted like that. Why I talked to you like that. Why I was such a fucking bitch. All of my love for you was destroyed by my own mind. I can’t believe I did that. I wanted to stop it. Please believe me when I say I tried with all will power to reverse my thought processes. I couldn’t fight them. They were too strong. Too...
We had a Thanksgiving dinner last weekend. So tonight we had fish and rice. The only thing I will remember from tonight is my mother telling me I wasn’t contributing enough conversation at the table so I should just go and put the clean dishes away. I hate conversation. I want to be a mute for the rest of my life.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I go through my day doing nothing significant. Get up, eat a low calorie breakfast, go to the gym, eat a low calorie lunch, watch tv/go to the mall/see a movie (by myself), eat a low calorie dinner, binge on a dessert, go to bed. Do it all again the next day. I’ve lost sight of everything I want to be. And I don’t know even know what that was. I...
I keep having dreams about my ex boyfriend. Now this wouldn’t be a problem if I wasn’t trying so hard to focus my love emotion on another guy. But it is a problem because of this reason. I just want to like this other guy so much. Hell, I’ve had a crush on him for almost 2 years. Why is it that whenever my crush admits his love for me I run and hide and claim to hate all of...
I have to take the SAT this Saturday and I could not be any less prepared. All the sites I’ve gone to for tips and study tricks say “DON’T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST WEEK TO STUDY TAKE IT IN INTERVALS” -______- sigh. I seriously couldn’t be any less thrilled to go to college and begin a life of my own. I just want to crawl into a compact space and rot away for the rest...
~*Disclaimer: I am not nor will I ever be a pro-ana blog. This post is purely my thought processes and how I seem to vent these days.*~ I have grown extremely anxious around food. I am so afraid of the calories and fat and carbohydrates and sugars that I no longer possess a deep love for indulgence. I cut things in halves. Thirds, quarters, eighths… zeros. My daily life revolves around...
I’ve been thinking about dying a lot lately. Which is actually kind of strange, because I haven’t thought about suicide and death and the after life in quite some time. But lately… I’ve just been thinking. Thinking about the future. And people. Lots about people. How everyone seems to be on the same path to self-induced depression and misanthropy. They lead their lives...
Today I have to read the story I’ve been working on all weekend to my literature class. And I’m so fucking nervous. It’s gotten to the point again where I hate people. I hate their fake attitude, I hate their thought processes, I hate their sympathy glances, I hate the way they talk, and their pre-prepared answers to repeated questions. I hate their mother fucking faces. And...
It’s 2:46 am and I can’t fucking sleep. Which is strange, because I haven’t had an insomniac episode in a really long time. There are way too many thoughts clogging my brain right now for me to shut them up and fall asleep. Plus, I didn’t get to smoke a bowl before I got home. So now I’m sober and tired -_- I’ve been thinking a lot about the emotional wall I...
I’m sorry I’m so difficult to love. There’s a part of my brain where thoughts of loneliness and detachment are formed. It keeps me at a distance from people so I can’t get harmed. It’s a coping mechanism, really. But I like you. I really, really like you. I like you so much that I’m willing to destroy that part of my brain just so I can be with you....
My best friend that I’ve had a crush on ever since I met him is not coming to visit next week. He said the 12th of October. On the 12th he said he would come back. Visit me. See me. Talk to me. Be with me. But now his parents have post-poned his visit until Thanksgiving. That’s nearly 2 months away. Ever since he left I’ve been anxious about seeing him again. I’ve...
The cuts on my hips won’t fade to scars. They’re just slick red-brown lines refusing to fade. Every time I change clothes I can see them in the mirror. Taunting me about past mistakes and useless self-hatred. I wish I could erase them.
Isolation. I deserve this. I deserve to be isolated from people. I deserve to drown in my own self-hatred. I went shopping today to try and find some jeans.. And they were all too small. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I’m a fucking fat ass. Back to the baggy jeans. At least they make me feel thinner. The guy I like who lives too far away is supposed to be visiting soon.....
I much prefer to be alone than with people. I have to try so hard to remain in conversations and keep on topic with people. All people ever want to do is talk. Talk about their day, their dreams, their fears, their hopes, their secrets… Without the voice of another, life seems so peaceful. No one to push you into one decision or another. No pleasing. No teasing. No nothing. I could be...