5/18/13

Boy troubles.

Interesting, I haven’t had boy troubles in a long time.

Though, these are different boy troubles…

For starters, I do not want a boyfriend. So all the guys I “like” I don’t want to go any further than a few makeout sessions or at least them giving me a lot of attention and touching.

One candidate is an extremely cute and young guy (my age) who can take my bitchiness and be a bitch himself. Which I love. I love when people can handle my constant swearing and understand that the anger in my words isn’t actually anger. But……. he has a girlfriend.

Another candidate is just as extremely cute as the one above, but he’s quite short. Much shorter than the guys I usually go for. He’s probably only about 1/2 an inch shorter than me, but still. Short. But he’s really sweet, old enough to own his own apartment, and has copious amounts of weed and alcohol he would love to share. But…….. he lives kinda far and I hear he’s a douchebag.

Now the latter guy I could definitely reach my goal with. I hungout with him and his roommate along with his neighbor and ex girlfriend yesterday. And it was awkward, to say the least. We were drinking and smoking but I was so quiet. I think it was because his ex was there. 

I can’t flirt with a guy when his goddamn ex is there. 

Whatever.

5/11/13

I feel like I’m on top of the world.

My confidence is the highest it’s ever been. I feel beautiful. I talk naturally. People like me. I like people.

I feel so loved, so cared for.

I feel goddamn popular.

People have been texted me everyday wanting to hangout. My small group of two friends has grown into multiple friend circles.

I can text anyone and they will instantly be free and want to hangout with me.

It’s a weird feeling, this popularity. But I like it. I like being liked.

5/5/13

I feel weird.

Off, in some way. I don’t know. I can’t really sleep and I can’t tell if it’s from excitement or anxiety.

If it’s excitement, it’s due to my crush. Honestly, he’s not the most attractive looking guy in the world but he smokes hella weed and smokes me out everytime I’m with him. We also kinda snuggled this one time and other stttuuuuffff which made me extremely physically attracted to him. My heart races when I think of seeing him next. But, that might just be the lust.

If it’s anxiety it’s school. And college. My future, in general. I cheat on fucking everything. I’m not really learning. It may just be because it’s the end of the year and my shit-o-meter is non-existant but still. I don’t know what I’ll do when I get to college.

Anyway, this weekend went quite well. I drank with some friends on Thursday night (with my crush there, but he passed out early so I didn’t see him much) and it was extremely fun. I love this group of people so much. They make me feel wanted.

It’s weird, feeling wanted.

All my life I wished I could move some place else. I could drop everything and everyone and just start new with no regrets. But now I feel like if I was to move I would undergo an intense feeling of sadness.

I love these people so much.

I can’t believe I just said (typed) that.

I love these people.

5/3/13

Drunk right now. A good drunk.

The guy that I kind of have a crush on at the moment asked for my number tonight (finally), so we’ll see how that goes.

The only time I’m super into him though is when I’m drunk (like right now!!) so I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret when I’m sober yet I want to tell him how fucking attracted I am to him.

I really should just go to sleep. But I want to talk to this kid.

But I shouldn’t.

Because I know I’ll say something stupid cute and make him think I like him.

But don’t I like him?

Do I like him……..

God I’m so fucking confused. He’s a leo. I like leo’s. They’re very independent and confident which I admire a shit ton. Hm.

WE’LL SEE

4/27/13

Morning after my first college party.

It was only a kick back, no worries. And not the greatest selection of guys. More girls coming through than the male body and it made me sad.

The guy from my last post was there. And I did what I normally do when I see a guy I have a crush on. Completely ignored him. And it’s weird… He completely ignored me back. Hm.

I was not the most talkative last night. And I think it’s because I smoked more than I drank… Which makes me super quiet person. Damnit.

Next time, (if there is a next time), I am definitely just sticking to alcohol. It makes me a people person and extremely talkative.

4/22/13

Met a really amazing guy last night.

Actually, it was the second time I had met him. He seemed interesting to me the first time I did meet him and I’m really happy I got to see him again.

Though I keep forgetting his name… Why am I doing that? I was explaining him to my friend and I kept saying the wrong name.. Weird.

I don’t know his last name. I don’t have his phone number. I can’t look him up anywhere because his first name is so generic. 

I guess I’ll just see him the next time we all hangout.

Oh god I hope it’s soon.

4/17/13

I really want to have a conversation with somebody new.

A guy, in particular. But I don’t want to flirt. I just want to converse.

God today was going ok until I found out the guy I kinda sorta like is offically dating a girl I kinda sorta despise.

That one little negative bit of my day has turned it completely upside down. Thoughts have begun swirling again and ugh I just feel miserable.

Must keep calm and not self harm. Must. Must. Must.

But ugh all I want is this mental pain to go away and the only way to do that is with physical pain.

Fuck.

4/9/13

I found somebody like me today 0.0

I’ve recently been getting really intrigued with astrology and peoples favorite colors and generally who people are and how they’re made.

…It’s complicated to explain. I’m high. Bare with me.

Anyway.

He said some pretty amazing philosophies. He’s so intelligent. He complicated my intelligence on his ideas and how I could actually understand what he’s talking about. 

But he says he knows the path I’m going down. Once you start to analyze people, you become depressed. I tried to explain to him that I was practically already depressed, taking several medications. But he said it was a different depression. A realization. 

But I knew exactly what he was talking about. If you read this blog, and these entries, you’ll see I’ve already hit that kind of depression.

We talked for so fucking long. I could go on and on with story after story about how he views the world is exactly the same as mine. It’s strange.

Long story short, he told me that I was on the pathway to this realization depression. And when I asked if I could change it, become happy and live kinda normally, he said the only way I could do that was if I became a robot. 

So, realization depression or robot?

I’m going to be happy. I don’t care if I’m on a one-way path to this eternal sadness I’m going to look on the fucking bright side. Even if there seems like there’s not..

The only way to be happy about it is to become evil. A manipulator. A liar. A psychopath. Using what you know about the human mind to your own advantages.

And that’s just who I am. Who I am destined to be. Evil.

(10) 4/7/13

ten things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
-I’m sorry I was such a horrible daughter
-Go fuck yourself
-I wish you liked me the way I like you
-I’m sorry I left you alone, and I hope you’re doing okay without me
-What did you get on the math test?
-Hello, what’s your name?
-I smoke weed practically everyday
-I wish you would stop texting me it’s creepy
-I would like you to come over so I can psychoanalyze you
-I want to be skinnier

nine things about yourself:
-I’m a sagittarius
-When I grow up I think I want to be a nutritionist
-Last time I weighed myself I was 112 pounds
-I got my wisdom teeth taken out last week
-Weed is a vital necessity in my life
-Sometimes I love people, I want to know everything about them and they intrigue me so much. Other times I want nothing to do with them and am so disgusted by their existence it makes me want to take my own life.
-I like my hair and freckles
-I am terrified of bees ever since last summer when I got attacked by a swarm
-I am afraid of love
-I like people with mental problems

eight ways to win your heart:
-Do not become clingy
-Being spontaneous and different
-Know that I am not the most important person in the world to you
-Let me chase you a little
-Make me food
-Be intellectually stimulating
-Just kiss me
-Do stupid things with me

seven things that cross your mind a lot:
-Death
-When I’m going to smoke next
-Being alone forever
-Suicide
-Whether or not I will enjoy my life with age
-Food
-Anxiety about grades

six people who mean a lot to you:
-I cannot name names. But there are definitely not six.

five things you do before you fall asleep:
-Brush my teeth
-Binge a little
-Squats, pushups, trunk twists
-Think of scenarios of me and someone I love (whom I have yet to met)
-Check instagram

four things you’re wearing right now:
-Blue sweater
-Cross country sweatpants
-Rasta bracelet
-Floral undies

three songs that you listen to often:
-Keep Your Head Up (Andy Grammar)
-Radioactive (Imagine Dragons)
-Elements (Lindsey Stirling)

two things you want to do before you die:
-Feel love
-Experience an extremely traumatic event

one confession:
-I wish I could skip adulthood and go straight to being an old person

 

Watch out I’m contagious

I cover my cuts and scars with long sleeves and high-waisted pants and I tell myself they don’t exist.
But sometimes all I really want is for someone to notice them and tell me it’s okay to be afraid of the darkness that consumes me.
Yet I know that will never happen, because I will never let anyone close enough in fear that my darkness will scare them away.
I am a self-inflicted disease.